Back To December
by lovingthis
Summary: Fic based on Taylor Swift's song. Some things you can't change. You can't go back. However much you wish. You have to hope that those you've hurt will find it in them to forgive you. And that you will forgive yourself. Follows This Is Letting Go.


Okay, this is the first thing I've ever posted here. I was youtube-ing music and hopped onto this song for the first time in months and it stuck at me. So, already having an account I opened a word document got this down and posted. I can't guarantee any quality as it's late at night but I will be back to check.

General disclaimer of not owning anything… If I did my life would be SO much more fun.

I advise you to listen to the song before or while you read it.

Hope you enjoy!

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><p>Becker ran for the hospital doors. He shouldn't have left. It was all his fault. Sprinting past the nurses station he found the group of people he was looking for and screeched to a halt. They looked up but Becker found himself unable to look in their eyes. Lester nodded towards the doorway.<p>

_I'm so glad you made time to see me,_

And it's all his fault. He shouldn't have left. Matt, Abby, Jess, Smith. Lying still, hooked up to machines.

_How's life, tell me, how's your family?  
>I haven't seen them in a while.<em>

It was his decision. He was the one who left. It was all his fault. He couldn't take the job anymore. Couldn't watch when he couldn't change the situation. Smith took his place looking after the ARC's safety. Had he done a better job?

_You've been good, busier than ever,  
>We small talk, work and the weather,<br>Your guard is up and I know why._

He went to Jess first. She looked so small. He remembered she always wore her bright heels to hide her size. But she was tiny. And hurt. His fault. How could he leave her like that.

_Because the last time you saw me will still burn in the back of your mind,  
>You gave me roses and I left them there to die.<em>

She cared for him more than he allowed himself to accept; turning her down as gently as he could. How could he maintain professionalism if he was too attached? And now look at her. So hurt. It was his fault.

_So this is me swallowing my pride,  
>Standin' in front of you, sayin' I'm sorry for that night.<em>

She'd cried at him. The team needed him. He kept them safe. But he didn't. They were so hurt now and it was all his fault. She had begged him to stay. He just walked away.

_And I go back to December all the time.  
>It turns out freedom aint nothin' but missin' you, wishin' I'd realized what I had when you were mine,<br>I go back to December, turn around and make it alright.  
>I go back to December all the time.<em>

He'd waited a month before changing his number. He couldn't admit it before but he loved her desperate calls. She needed him. Once they stopped he regretted it. He needed her. But was too late he'd lost and hurt her. And it was all his fault.

_These days I haven't been sleepin'.  
><em>_Stayin' up playin' back myself leavin'.  
>When your birthday passed and I didn't call.<br>_

It was just two weeks ago. He knew her number by heart. Sat up at night watching the glare of his mobile's screen. His finger over the call button. Regretting. But it was he who hurt her and walked away. His fault.

_And I think about summer, all the beautiful times,  
>I watched you laughin' from the passenger side and<br>I realized I loved you in the fall.  
><em>

He couldn't say it outright. Not yet. Not even holding her hand in both his as he did now. Her voice in his ear on the way to an anomaly kept him from giving up. Her optimism. How true she was. And he'd just screwed her over. She was lying hurt. And he was to blame.

_Then the cold came, the dark days when fear crept into my mind.  
>You gave me all your love and all I gave you was goodbye.<br>_

He'd failed. Shamefully. How anyone thought he could still protect them was beyond him. He'd allowed a creature to get into the ARC. He was unable to do his job anymore, he wasn't good enough. It had been a miracle no one had been killed. But so many were hurt. It had been his fault. So he left.

_So this is me swallowing my pride, standin' in front of you, sayin' I'm sorry for that night,  
>And I go back to December all the time.<br>It turns out freedom aint nothin' but missin' you, wishin' I'd realized what I had when you were mine,  
>I go back to December, turn around and change my own mind.<br>I go back to December all the time.  
><em>

Becker bent his head to rest his lips on her hand. Wishing with all his heart that he had a right to be there worried. But he didn't. He'd hurt her as he walked away. It was his fault she was hurt again now. He hadn't bothered to ask the doctors how bad she was. God he hoped she wouldn't die.

_I miss your tan skin, your sweet smile,  
>So good to me, so right,<br>And how you held me in your arms that September night,  
>The first time you ever saw me cry.<br>_

He never forgot. No one forgets being bitten by something half-mammal, half-reptile, all ugly. Especially if that day a school girl is murdered on your watch. But she comforted him. He didn't show it at the time but that night it was all he could think off. She told him that he couldn't always save everyone. And look what he had done. How many times had he hurt her now? It was all his fault.

_Maybe this is wishful thinking._  
><em>Probably mindless dreaming.<em>  
><em>If we loved again I swear I'd love you right.<br>_

Becker's thoughts became less coherent as tears began to fall. If she ever spoke to him. It would be a miracle. Why would she ever forgive him. He tore her to pieces. Her heart and body. It was his fault. He always hurt her.

_I'd go back in time and change it but I can't._  
><em>So if the chain is on your door, I understand.<br>_

He could have, should have, stopped it. How could he have let this happen? He should have stayed. Looked after her. Protect her. Hurt. His fault. His mistake.

_This is me swallowing my pride, standin' in front of you, sayin' I'm sorry for that night,_  
><em>And I go back to December.<br>_

He remembered a song as he tried to raise his head to see her. He needed to see her. Needed to memorise every outline. Needed to remember her again. And without thinking his lips began to move.

_It turns out freedom aint nothin' but missin' you, wishin' I'd realized what I had when you were mine.  
><em>

Her eyes opened. There was so much pain. How could he let this happen?

_I go back to December, turn around and make it alright.  
>I go back to December turn around and change my own mind.<br>_

God he loved her. He loved every part. How had he taken to long to admit that which consumed him so entirely? She squeezed his hands gently. He wanted every lost minute back.

_I go back to December all the time.  
><em>

Every second he'd missed.

_All the time._

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